Take The Globe

 

person uses pen on book
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

 

As a writer, I’ve decided to give myself freedom and permission to admit that I don’t exactly know how to write. I just know that I do. The rules of grammar, and story plotting often times escape me, I feel it’s why I do so well with poems, and perhaps essays, and very short stories, yet have struggled historically with longer stories. I have grand schemes and ideas, and things that I know are important in the story, like flashpoint in the history of the novel, and yet a very bumbling sort of meddling through method  of conveying it all.

I’m admitting this to myself, and to all of you, in the hopes that pulling down the walls of perfection that entrap my writing, will allow me to be more open to learning, and perhaps improving.

The fear of not getting things right, I’ve allowed that fear to prevent me from writing longer stories, or at least getting to the end of one, for a good too many years now.

I’m doing away with that now, and pivoting. I’ve decided to begin sharing (and complete the writing of) a novel that I started to create in 2016. It has been languishing on my desktop for a long while now because I don’t know how to bring it all together in the perfect way. I have accepted that it will not be perfect, it will be messy, and perhaps it won’t make as much sense as I would like, there may be potholes, and things won’t go exactly how I wish, and that is okay. (So far it’s been a daily practice of reminding myself this.)

If you wish to read the story you can read it here. Perhaps you could encourage me, and join me in this journey as i go from a very unpolished yet meaningful novel, to something slightly more polished.

Take The Globe

Take care,

Fine Words Weave

Journaling as a mainstay

(A letter style entry about Covid 19- heads up so you can choose whethere you’re in the headspace to read this now or wish to return later)

Hello lovely,

How are you? Thanks for coming back and reading another one of these. I’m happy to have you here with me. I want today’s blogpost to read like a letter. I hope you enjoy the change in format.

The not so new news is Coronavirus. Global pandemic, lockdown, and quarantine are some of the keywords of the current times. A huge element of being instructed to stay indoors is challenging for me. Obviously as someone who has been sectioned (almost a decade ago now) it is not surprising that this feels very close to the skin. Autonomy is something of a theme that keeps on cropping up this year.

I don’t this is limited to me and my experiences though. I believe that it’s an entirely human feeling, to instinctively recoil at a command that seeks to keep you confined. Isn’t prison seens as a crime and punishment system? It’s punishing because your freedom of movement is voided. (We’ll talk another day about how prison also seems to void human rights, and the whole rehabilitation issue. I have huge feelings around institutionising humans.)

I find myself deeply concerned about the long term implications of our current conditions.

Today the Govt spokepeoples were talking about secondary deaths due to Cv19 they talked about comorbidity. They talked about “BAME” ( slowly coming to really dislike that term) covid rates. I waited with baited breath for them to talk about class, race, poverty how these things intersect with people’s likelihood to contract the illness, how they correlate with how likely they are offered treatment/testing or not believed and sent off …. of course this was not mentioned. Of course not.

Though “the pandemic” has all but painted bold the social inequalities that are built into the very fabric of many of our societies, by many it still goes unseen, unspoken about, and out of awareness.

There’s been such loss and grief.

Numerous people, souls who laughed, thought, felt, loved, were lights, complicated, joyous, passionate, have departed this life.

My Lord grant solace to all those grieving, and soothe them in their experience of loss, of breaking, and hurting.

It’s now more than ever that we realise the value of community perhaps. It feels like another thing that’s been painted bold. This spiritual human interconnectedness. This is a light, and I have hopes that this reconnection to our sense of collective purpose strengthens throughout and beyond this time.

There’s been a whole host of different experiences I guess, and it’s just, I think societies are bound to change in many unimaginable ways on the other side of this. Im hoping to be a part of the effort to make sure this is a “for the better” outcome than a “for the worse” type of thing. Tie your camel, and leave the rest to Him.

So having put things into context of course there’s a lot of feelings and emotions coming up, some mine, some the feelings of others that i feel so easily atuned to (hello, extraverted feeling). My current experience is that it’s taking even more energy than usual to maintain boundaries in that respect.

Hence I’m grateful to have journalling, as a great resource to sift through feelings, identify mine, sort them out from other people’s emotions, and then even looking into projections.

One of my new journaling experiences recently has been getting really relaxed in my body before hand, sort of floating along my mind’s currents and then feeling deeply into any emotion/memory that comes up. After that i breathe deeply, then stretch, and then turn to my journal.

There’s so much stuff coming up. Isn’t that always the case, that the more work you do, the more work there seems to be that needs doing. Such is the joy and sorrow of life.

Anyway that’s it, I just wanted to check in. And express things on here. This is history in the living, and I want to remember it exactly as it was lived for me, not however it might be reworked to fit objectives and poli-socio-economic narratives in the time after.

All the best,

take care,

Fine words Weave

Thoughts unrefined

Tonight is something different. Sometimes there’s tension between what to say, and what I think, what to share, and what to hold back on. As someone who has recognised, over time, the impact words have, I wrestle between caution and courage.

Hope brings relief

There’s a lot of fear out here in the world. From racism, discrimination, and fear on all “sides” of the issues- stems deep defensiveness, misconceptions, and poor communication; to the latest with the coronavirus, (why aren’t the news reporting on the rates of recovery??? ) Does this speak to the disease vs symptom treatment of many current healthcare models?; to knife crime and violence- so many people ending their time on this planet through this means.

There’s a lot of fear. Do you feel like that fear serves a purpose though? Sometimes it can, sometimes it’s a rallying point, sometimes you see the best of human nature unfolding. I know there’s a possibility that fear could lead you to dig deep and ask what’s going on here? Try to get a grip of what’s happened, where things have gone left, and what the lessons are within the experiences.

It feels like this idea of relying on certainty (for me the most certain place to rest my faith is Allah, the Eternal, the Ansolute), to weather through periods of uncertainty, in a flexible and strong manner, isn’t mainstream.

Sometimes I look at that and think there’s a reason it isn’t the mainstream messaging. It doesn’t necessarily serve capitalism. It serves a higher power and strengthens individual’s internal reasoning and deductive skills, along side emphasising shared humanity, and the interconnected nature of our lives.

It feels at times that societies (at least the one i currently live in) are moving away from that interconnectedness. What do they say? Divided they fall? As you know I’m a counselling student. There’s this movement in psychology to move towards a Power Threat Meaning Framework. It basically advocates looking at and recognising our difficult experiences, and how messaging from wider society can invrease feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation (source: bps).

There’s this strange (to me) sanitisation from life experiences and the human, (natural inclination towards adaptation and doing the best that we can with the resources at hand) response, that’s almost a means of blaming individuals for not coping without considering what the experiences they’ve gone through are, recognising that they are coping, if in a maladjusted way, and beginning to reconcile that and encourage better coping strategies that work within their given experiences. In short understanding a dis-ease means slso understanding the context.

Honestly there’s a lot going on right now. I want people to remember to look after themselves and others in the human family. I want people to have courage, which flows from a knowledge that what happens to you in life is ultimately for your good, (and always a means of drawing you ever closer to your Maker. I want us to really go back to our fitrah, (purest form of our natures) and remember that we are brothers and sisters in humanity. That what affects me affects you as fellow sojourners on this planet. Mostly I want us to rekindle the light of hope in ourselves, in eachother.

Take care my family,

Azeezat Adeola A B A

Fine words weave

Deadlines & Photoshoots

I have back to back deadlines coming up, and I’ve not felt stressed in anyway. However, I’ve also not felt a sense of urgency either. So I’ve lackadaisically left everything to the last minute. And still I don’t feel particularly stressed.

It’s a very strange surreal experience, I feel like the faily meditations with the 21 days of abundance challenge I’ve been taking part in, is definitely a contributing factor to this. I just feel this overwhelming sense of trust and surety, that it will be done.

A familiar part of me wants to chastise myself, but a wiser more accepting part feels like, this is exactly how it was meant to play out and it isn’t even the best use of my energy syressing about it, but rather putting that energy into completing my assignements on time to the best of my abilities is better.

So grateful for this storyboarding your essays technique It’s actually saving my behind.

In other news: today I had a photo shoot! A really fun experience with a friend that culminated in me interviewing her about a project I got the chance to be a part of. I’ll be putting it together for YouTube- soonish (bi’ithni’llah) … Once I get all my work out of the way. I’m really excited to edit it, and see what the end result is. I feel like we have great in person chemistry, I wonder how that will translate on screen once I work on the footage.

Me en-route photo shoot… in the rain ☔️

February goals check in

So I set a self-commitment to upload four oosts to this blog this month, and four vidoes to youtube. I think I’m 2/4 on each of those, still there’s time. I think it’s all possible, it’s just about making the most of my time. Speaking of, I deleted the instagram from my phone yesterday in order to be a bit more focused.

To conclude (can you tell im in essay writing mode?) I hope you are all doing well, going for your goals, and looking after yourself too (it’s a delicate balance- at least in my experience- and even still, we can do it!)

Take care,

Azeezat Adeola A B A

Fine words weave

Rocks

9 hours ago, @rocksfilm released the official trailer to their film.

Ten minutes ago, I saw the trailer. I watched it. It left me in tears. The movie is release date is April 10, and I’ve already sent the trailer to a few friends.

I just am flummoxed, this is a film like notjing ive ever seen before. I’m 28 now. No longer a black teenager growing up in Britain, but wow if this didn’t just blow me away.

What choked me up was that instant sense of relating to the characters. Seeing parts of my everyday experience even in that brief snippet in the trailer. Who doesn’t remember the secondary school playground, doing hair selling bracelets, it’s just such a mood/ vibe, and I’m really really really proud of the team who put it together, the young ladies who star in it, and I just want it to succeed.

So in the space of twenty minutes I have become a stan and I’m sharing it with everyone I can.

👌🏾👌🏾👌🏾

That is all.

Also, loook at this

Money Mastermind

One of my amazing and brilliant friends had the bold and visionary idea to start a money mastermind group. It was an inspired idea to get our respective finances and money mindsets in order and we’re a couple weeks in and going strong.

Something that someone said on one of our group calls really impacted me, you know those moments where you hear something and you have to stop because the words resonate so much that it feels like they’ve physically taken hold of you and changed your perspective? So in that moment you’re silently re-examining everything you’ve ever experienced with this new possibility in mind. It was a big moment.

On the topic of something that scared us/dragged us far out of our comfort zone, I mentioned that spoken word definitely feels a whole word of scary to me, I wasn’t the only one who felt that way, on a tangent it’s interesting to me how many of my friends are “private poets” let’s call it (expressing the feelings through poetry in a very personal and not for public consumption kind of way).

The thing that blew me away? To paraphrase: “poetry is a means of you expressing how you feel, there’s no need for you to be comparing your poetry to anyone else’s, the thing that you really have to ask yourself is whether you believe your feelings matter.”

.

.

.

Wow!

Just wow. Even writing this out again from memory i’m still taken aback by it, their is so much truth in this statement, and when I ask myself, I know that on some level along the way I did learn or take on board the messaging that my feelings weren’t important.

I felt the words in my chest. Naturally I had to write about it. I’ve got some idea of where some of this messaging came from, certain life experiences etc. Saying that I also think that’s a large part of the messaging of our society, at least historically, I think things are starting to change, (though the pendulum effect might be taking place and it seems to be overcompensating and swinging really far in the direction of “my feelings matter more than anyone else’s”) .

Even still it’s such an important thing to consider whether on some level you hold a limiting belief to that effect, then having identified that, what will you do about that?

Take care

Find Words Weave

7 shades of excited- returning to uni

woman reading book
Photo by Christina Morillo on Pexels.com

I am all kinds of excited to be returning back to university.

I recently got my results back, and feel so grateful, and humbled. Some of the work I submitted was during some really challenging times for me, where I was emotionally distraught by things going on for me at the time, and stressed out about meeting certain deadlines, and really pushing myself to get my work done to a good standard. It just felt like my results were an example of God’s Grace on me, and a validation for the effort I put in.

Our module handbooks are being uploaded to moodle gradually, and looking over them, I can see that this term they’ve upped the ante, as well as the word counts :D. Im determined to write my assignments ahead of time so as to make use of feedback from student support and lecturers, I think that’s the way to really reach my goal of a first class degree. I can do it! I’m also looking forward to the structure that regularly going to uni brings.

Full of hope, excitement, enthusiasm, and determination.

What are you guys looking forward to of late?

Take care,

Fine words weave

Met my Deadline, the fanfare sounds hollow

(Current background on all my devices courtesy of Knit picks with slight modification by me)

So I finally met my deadline. Yay I got my two thousand word essay submitted on time, just barely.

When coming up to a deadline does anyone else feel the pressure building and building and building… no one? Just me? *flops down with a dramatic sigh*

In a way I think I normally thrive on that pressure. The tension builds up, and I bolster myself by looking forward to that feeling of relief and joy that I usually get as soon as the essay has been submitted. However today that feeling was nowhere to be found, I submitted my paper in turnitin and I just felt like okay. That’s good. You got it done… okay.

Things just rang a bit hollow. You know? I talked myself into doing a little happy dance, just because one of my commitments to myself is to celebrate milestones along the way.

I’m wondering if the recent chapter in my life’s story book beginning its conclusion overshadowed my joy. Im not sure because in terms of that I feel very much at peace and have a deep sense of clarity and acceptance.

Maybe I pushed myself too hard towards the end and my brain just needs a reset. That happens quite often. I mean as much effort as I put into the planning, and as much as that made theessay writing easier, I did still end up writing up about one thousand eight hundred of those words between the hours of 1pm and 3:52 pm this afternoon. That’s pretty radical when i think about it.

Hmm, okay I’ve got it now. Writing is such an illuminating process. My conclusion and introduction were both very rushed, and I have a sense that they may bring my grade down, however a late submission would mean an automatic 5% deduction of my mark. So I chose to submit on time. My takeaway? Even if you have a great planning strategy, you still need to factor in time to write, proofread, and submit your essay.

Ah it’s good to have gotten a handle on my internal thouggt process through writing this. .

All day I just noticed myself being a bit slower, slightly more thoughtful, so very aware of my need in front of my Rabb, and grateful for the small things. Whilst these are all good things not being able to put my finger on why was sloghtly agitating.

Now I can happily get bavk to be grateful for things like taking my kids to nursery and not needing to lug the buggy up and down three flights of stairs, my youngest bubba is getting to be a big boy 😭😭Alhamdulillah

Take care

Azeezat Adeola,

Fine words weave

P.s. another commitment to myself is to get some writing on this blog once a week. At the very least.

Week 1 ✅

An Unstormable Knowing

One more round with the tempest.

She stands,

arms outstretched

in a daring embrace,

as she locks gaze with the eye of the storm.


Energy jitters up her spine,

and her tongue is dry.

She’s danced this whirl wind before.


Spun out over and over,

leaving breathless and dizzy,

that’s if she even leaves at all.


The tempest calls her name,

blowing temptingly in her ears.

Drawing her in just a bit.


One foot forward,

without conscious thought,

she’s already in forward motion,

Pulled in by the deceptive calm.


Still the weathered shawl of foreboding

settles on her shoulders,

and her skin pinpricks with that quiet

un-nameable sense,

that something is just out of step here.


She’s been around this tempest before,

this isn’t her first spin,

and lately she’s tired

of letting herself be reeled back in.


Emotionally battered,

mind windswept,

she’s intimately familiar

with the post-storm landscape.


The tempest howls,

the wind buffets at her mind,

the noise is reaching crescendo.


She turns inwards to the quiet within.

And asks a single question.

The answer makes steel rods of her legs

and she is at a stand still.


The question?

Is this, what you want, for your life?


Lightning fizzles

from within the tempest,

aiming at her stock still legs.

There is pain and tingling,

and the metal taste of hot electricity.

As the bolt hits at where she is grounded.


Is this what you want for your life?


Honestly,

the answer is so quiet,

it’s hard to hear it

beneath the roar of the storm.


Still it matters not,

because the answer becomes her vision.

She feels it right in the gaps.

She unstormably knows the answer

in every fiber of her.


She is steady as the tempest rolls over.

It flails and roars,

wails and hails.

Steadily drags at her core.


It comes with dark

and thunder and shuddering.

Shaky teeth,

and the shivering.


The storm is a mighty thing.

The knowing within is mightier still,

and she does not let the storm in.


She draws deep from within herself,

The strength to weather it.

At moments her legs falter,

and at times she is almost carried away

by the force of the storm,

still the unstormable knowing is her steadying.


The storm does its worst.

The knowing is unstormable.

The tempest passes.

She stands, still.


Her arms outstretched in an open embrace.

The storm has subsided.

And faintly in the post-storm ozone

she hears a new question.

What do you want for your life?

End of term

Hey loves,

 

It has been such wild twelve week ride. I’ve finished my first term of university, and it has been quite a journey.

 

I was wild with excitement at the beginning, buzzing and full of fuel, and so excited to get underway with my course. I had a beautiful moment of running up the stairs in our empty lecture theatre and calling out loudly “Counselling degree here we come” or word to that effect in my very first week. I literally could not wait to get started.

 

Then the work began, the assignments, and group projects, and reflective journals, coupled with family drama, and the usual parenting work, by week six, I’d gotten to a real low point. Just then the whole family caught the flu, at one point I was physically too sick to look after my boys.

Still eventually I regrouped, and out of the valley, I decided to start a youtube channel . Gradually I started to get back on course, digging deep to rekindle the passion for my degree programme. I kept working, and stumbled on some study methods that worked for me, pomodoro being chief amongst them, along side study vlogs and study with me’s on youtube to help me stay motivated.

And now here I am already in the winter break, and awaiting my results for some of my modules, and a 2000 word essay due for january 6.

 

Still, I want to document all of these feelings, I know I’ll look back on them someday as fond memories.

 

How are you all doing?

Did I tell you I’m recommitting to writing? Too long I let this limiting belief around my writing take root, that two year bout of writers block really took the wind out of my sails. I am embracing the wordsmith within once more, and I want to return to my first love. Novels, and short stories.

Watch this space.

2020 is a year of taking action for me bi’ithni’llah.

 

See you on the flipside

Take care,

Fine Words Weave