Manifold Interests & Other ADHD Perks

A silhouette of a head, with the letters ADHD on it, pointing out from the head are squiggly felt wiry things, and flowers.
Photo by Tara Winstead on Pexels.com

I have a distinct memory, of all the thing I was ever interested in (when I was much younger than I am now), being made into daily practices. Somehow, I would find a way to return to them again and again, day after day. Nowadays though, it seems like I can’t find the focus or the memory, or perhaps the executive functioning to keep up that kind of regularity apropos of no external structures.

Perhaps I tied my interests to activities I would undertake regularly. Like with writing, I regularly woke up in the middle of the nigh during my GCSE years. Looking back I think it was likely that the stress was impacting my sleep. My sleep is often quite sensitive to being influenced by stressors in my life. That said, if I woke up in the middle of the night, I would bake some cookies, them load either Julia Nunes or Taylor Swift up on YouTube, and get to writing. I woke up in the middle of the night often enough in my teens, that I had quite a regular writing practice. Or with rollerblading, it would always be on a weekend, and always along the thames pathway from Battersea to Chelsea.

I suppose there’s also something about the relatively fewer amount of responsibilities I had as a teenager than I do now. As a single mother/full time student/ trainee counsellor, there’s so many more things “to-do” that it seems like the energy for pursing things I enjoy with the regularity (probably) needed to improve, happens very sporadically- (when the kids are away, I find myself returning to journaling, and meditation, and maybe with e ought time to practice scales and chords, yet when they’re back, there’s barely enough executive functioning to go around, what with keeping track of all the things that need keeping track of when you have young children in the house.)

I have this little voice in the back of my head, that’s quite persistent in reminding me not to forget *whatever hobby/ fun interest of mine catches my attention presently. And the high I get from engaging in things I find fun, means that once I’m sat down, I tend to zone in completely, losing sense of time and place, and then I’ve spent four hours knitting something, and quite possibly have to run out of the door to pick the kids up, suddenly aware of the need to pee, and thirst wracking my throat.

My ideal would be to be able to dedicate myself a bit at a time to all of my interests every day. there would be time for painting, time for writing poetry. I would spend time writing any of the novels that I’ve left mid stories, characters on the cusp of their respective character development journeys. I’d find time to bake, and find new nutritional recipes to try out. I’d finally get round to re-learning how to sew using a sewing machine, and I’d spend time speaking to guests on my podcasts. There would also be time to play around editing videos, and polish off my website, playing with and further developing my web building skills. I’d also create time to keep going with teaching myself to code.

It is a blessing, being filled with so many things that spark my interests, being so deeply interested in many things, yet the challenges of time-blindness, and difficulties with focus, alongside the organisational requirements of ‘running a household’ as well, as the time and focus I put into parenting, talkies of learning and CPDs- I find myself mourning how quickly time passes by.

So here I am, returning to one of my early interests, blogging. I’m curious to see how long I can keep up some level of consistency with it, and I’m happy, I’ve found a few moments to return to it.

I suppose that’s why so many of my previous blog posts, are typo filled, peppered with run-on sentences, and side thoughts cosseted in parentheses. I’d aways try to get my fingers to catch up with my thoughts (always an impossible task- better informed about this now, having learned about the hyperactivity of the minds that can come alongside ADHD), and then rush to hit publish, before I forgot. Sometimes I’d schedule it to be published on a certain day, sure I’d come back and make the necessary edits in the time between when I’d written the first draft and the date I’d scheduled it to go live, and inevitably I’d forget about the post’s existence, until I got a notification from WordPress.

Something I’ve been embracing the years since I last wrote here is the idea of perfect imperfection, allowing rooms for mistakes, and the mantra “done is better than perfect” and “good enough, move on”.

Holding myself to extremely high standards, is one thing, not allowing myself to progress due to minor imperfections is quite another.

So that’s it.

I’ll end here.

If you enjoyed this, thanks you for your time, I’d love to know what stood out for you, and your thoughts and insights in the comments.

With warmth,

Fine Words Weave

New Things & Old things

Dear you,

Today’s blog post comes in the style of a letter. I hope you are well, what have you been up to lately. I miss sharing my updates with you.

I imagine that when you subscribed to tnis little corner of the internet you probably saw something interesting, that you wanted to stay connected with. To be honest I’ve made so many attempts at “writing consistently” over the years, and each attempt has sort of fizzled out. 😂

Now though I actually understand why that is. (More on that in another post). Anyhow I just wanted to let you know that I’m figuring out a way to keep my updates all together, in one place, instead of spread across several mediums some of which I forget about, whilst updating others. All that to say, if you still want to stay connected, and get to hear about all the things, then sign up to my mailing list.

What does that mean for you? It means that when I host events through Soul Knit Grow or send out my monthly newsletter “Light Thinkers”, you can also be notified of that. You can always unsubscribe at the bottom of the emails if you’re no longer interested in staying in touch. So sign up to stay updated.

I also wanted to let you know as there’s quite a lot of new things happening lately, that I’ve been remiss in updating you about.

What new things you ask? Well I fulfilled my childhood dream of becoming a published author and released my debut poetry collection, “A Soul Untameable”, I started a podcast “Fine Words Weave” (but you probably already knew about that right?). I’m also hosting a therapeutic journaling workshop called Remembering Ourselves.

So that’s an assortment of new things and old things, and new things that stemmed from old things.

I hope this comes as exciting news for you, and that you are well, and being kind to yourself.

Thank you for reading this letter, ‘speak’ soon.

With warmth

Fine Words Weave

Not for the feint hearted

Counselling training’s not for the feint of heart!
I’m just going to jump straight in to this stream of consciousness entry, because that’s just about my speed today.

I think it’s normal for the second year of a degree to ramp things up a notch. It’s normal. It is also unexpected just how much of an impact that’s having on me in the context of lockdown single motherhood.

I am throwing myself into training, triads and the experiential elements of my course, and into personal counselling. It’s quite confronting, facing yourself again, and again, and again, week after week, being face to face with so many facets of yourself, and also getting on with the day to day of looking after myself, my children etc.

I have to believe that I have within me, all that I need to get to the places I’m heading to. I choose to believe it. It’s both a possibility and a necessity.

Knitting reminds me to enjoy the process

So it’s been a while since I’ve written about knitting. It teels like I talk about it so much in my day to day life, but slowing down and taking the time to write about it? It’s been a moment.

The other night I picked up a project that I started at some point during lockdown. I’d put it down for a while, left it untouched in its organza bag, figuratively, but not literally, gathering dust. There was something inside me calling me to that project.

As I sat slowly adding stitches to my project, I thought about how my knitting has evolved. When I first started knitting I had that Finished Object bug. I looked forward to that trill of satisfaction, knowing I had a FO in my hands. Eventually, as I learnt more and more about knitting, about its mindful and healing capacities, I made a conscious decision to enjoy the process. Where before, I was antsy and impatient, preferring smaller projects that I could finish quickly (hello the year of baby booties!), now I would slow down, feel the weight of the yarn in my hand, the texture, as I used my fingers to wrap yarn around my needles. I’d enjoy they rhythmic click, and the smooth slide of bamboo needles worn smooth by friction. It soon came automatically, whenever I picked up my knitting needles, I’d be reminded of the importance of enjoying the process.

One of the things I wrote in my UCAS statement and interview/ application form was about my desire to further research about the healing properties of knitting. I really believe there’s a way that knitting can be a facilitator of releasing trauma, and stored emotion in the body. I’ve had a couple ideas around what I should focus on for my final year research project, “the father wound, “the impact of racism and undressed bias in the counselling room”, it’s almost like i forgot that I had my dissertation topic all along. I’m definitely still curious about how to also unpick racism, something that the knitting community as a microcosm of wide society is not free from, and over the past years I’ve witnessed many attempts to delve into/ unpick and unpack that.

All that said, I feel like I’m consistently being reminded to slow down, breathe deeply, really be connected to the life I’m living in this instance, in all it’s facets. I’m curious, if you engage in any craft, what has it taught you? I feel like when we slow down and pay attentions, there are a lot of things we learn that may have cross applications to different areas of our lives.

Take care my family,

Fine words weave.



Small Moments

Do you remember being a child and waking up happy? You weren’t happy at anything in particular, you just felt a joy in existing, a perpetual hopefullness that today would be a day that something good would happen.

I want to reconnect with that state, of delight, and joy, and hope.

Of noticing the small things. Really slowing down and noticing how the sun is golden, in a pinky blue, early morning sky. The way the birds sound, trilling back and forth in conversation with eachother as I walk along a tree coseted path, their leaves creating a shimmering whistle in the wind.

I want to notice the tread of my feet on the earth, the rise and fall of my chest, the air in my lungs, and the steady beating of my heart, even the thrum of my pulse below my ears about my next.

I want to notice these every day multitudinal blessings and feel the utter bliss of each of these moments.

Buried injustices

Excavate this sadness

All the injustices

Not quite laid to rest

Jump in the graves of them

And exhume the body of grief

For your consumption?

Let’s be clear about what you’re asking for here

In my own time

I tend the graves

Of anguishes past experienced

You, grave robber

Desecrater

Have no right to visit here

It isn’t for me to dredge up the soil

Unearthing it all

Leaving the soil upturned

For what?

For you to confirm

That yes it is legitimate pain buried here?

I’m past that,

Way past asking for scraps

I’ve come to understand

That there’s a reason

You weren’t there for the burial

So when I tend the graves

Of all the injustices

Half buried before

Don’t turn up

In funeral blacks

Facimile fragility

Leaking from your eyes

You didn’t know the deceased

And your abject sadness

Are only theatrics

Done for the optics

More to the point

I don’t welcome it

Leave me to my grief

To the laying to rest of

Anguish and injustice

Stop demanding

That I uncover it

For your voyeurism

And vouchsafing

Be on your way

Stop not at these graves.

There is space for this emotion.

Thoughts unrefined

Tonight is something different. Sometimes there’s tension between what to say, and what I think, what to share, and what to hold back on. As someone who has recognised, over time, the impact words have, I wrestle between caution and courage.

Hope brings relief

There’s a lot of fear out here in the world. From racism, discrimination, and fear on all “sides” of the issues- stems deep defensiveness, misconceptions, and poor communication; to the latest with the coronavirus, (why aren’t the news reporting on the rates of recovery??? ) Does this speak to the disease vs symptom treatment of many current healthcare models?; to knife crime and violence- so many people ending their time on this planet through this means.

There’s a lot of fear. Do you feel like that fear serves a purpose though? Sometimes it can, sometimes it’s a rallying point, sometimes you see the best of human nature unfolding. I know there’s a possibility that fear could lead you to dig deep and ask what’s going on here? Try to get a grip of what’s happened, where things have gone left, and what the lessons are within the experiences.

It feels like this idea of relying on certainty (for me the most certain place to rest my faith is Allah, the Eternal, the Ansolute), to weather through periods of uncertainty, in a flexible and strong manner, isn’t mainstream.

Sometimes I look at that and think there’s a reason it isn’t the mainstream messaging. It doesn’t necessarily serve capitalism. It serves a higher power and strengthens individual’s internal reasoning and deductive skills, along side emphasising shared humanity, and the interconnected nature of our lives.

It feels at times that societies (at least the one i currently live in) are moving away from that interconnectedness. What do they say? Divided they fall? As you know I’m a counselling student. There’s this movement in psychology to move towards a Power Threat Meaning Framework. It basically advocates looking at and recognising our difficult experiences, and how messaging from wider society can invrease feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation (source: bps).

There’s this strange (to me) sanitisation from life experiences and the human, (natural inclination towards adaptation and doing the best that we can with the resources at hand) response, that’s almost a means of blaming individuals for not coping without considering what the experiences they’ve gone through are, recognising that they are coping, if in a maladjusted way, and beginning to reconcile that and encourage better coping strategies that work within their given experiences. In short understanding a dis-ease means slso understanding the context.

Honestly there’s a lot going on right now. I want people to remember to look after themselves and others in the human family. I want people to have courage, which flows from a knowledge that what happens to you in life is ultimately for your good, (and always a means of drawing you ever closer to your Maker. I want us to really go back to our fitrah, (purest form of our natures) and remember that we are brothers and sisters in humanity. That what affects me affects you as fellow sojourners on this planet. Mostly I want us to rekindle the light of hope in ourselves, in eachother.

Take care my family,

Azeezat Adeola A B A

Fine words weave

Deadlines & Photoshoots

I have back to back deadlines coming up, and I’ve not felt stressed in anyway. However, I’ve also not felt a sense of urgency either. So I’ve lackadaisically left everything to the last minute. And still I don’t feel particularly stressed.

It’s a very strange surreal experience, I feel like the daily meditations with the 21 days of abundance challenge I’ve been taking part in, is definitely a contributing factor to this. I just feel this overwhelming sense of trust and surety, that it will be done.

A familiar part of me wants to chastise myself, but a wiser more accepting part feels like, this is exactly how it was meant to play out and it isn’t even the best use of my energy syressing about it, but rather putting that energy into completing my assignements on time to the best of my abilities is better.

So grateful for this storyboarding your essays technique It’s actually saving my behind.

In other news: today I had a photo shoot! A really fun experience with a friend that culminated in me interviewing her about a project I got the chance to be a part of. I’ll be putting it together for YouTube- soonish (bi’ithni’llah) … Once I get all my work out of the way. I’m really excited to edit it, and see what the end result is. I feel like we have great in person chemistry, I wonder how that will translate on screen once I work on the footage.

Me en-route photo shoot… in the rain ☔️

February goals check in

So I set a self-commitment to upload four oosts to this blog this month, and four vidoes to youtube. I think I’m 2/4 on each of those, still there’s time. I think it’s all possible, it’s just about making the most of my time. Speaking of, I deleted the instagram from my phone yesterday in order to be a bit more focused.

To conclude (can you tell im in essay writing mode?) I hope you are all doing well, going for your goals, and looking after yourself too (it’s a delicate balance- at least in my experience- and even still, we can do it!)

Take care,

Azeezat Adeola A B A

Fine words weave

Rocks

9 hours ago, @rocksfilm released the official trailer to their film.

Ten minutes ago, I saw the trailer. I watched it. It left me in tears. The movie is release date is April 10, and I’ve already sent the trailer to a few friends.

I just am flummoxed, this is a film like notjing ive ever seen before. I’m 28 now. No longer a black teenager growing up in Britain, but wow if this didn’t just blow me away.

What choked me up was that instant sense of relating to the characters. Seeing parts of my everyday experience even in that brief snippet in the trailer. Who doesn’t remember the secondary school playground, doing hair selling bracelets, it’s just such a mood/ vibe, and I’m really really really proud of the team who put it together, the young ladies who star in it, and I just want it to succeed.

So in the space of twenty minutes I have become a stan and I’m sharing it with everyone I can.

👌🏾👌🏾👌🏾

That is all.

Also, loook at this