Tonight is something different. Sometimes there’s tension between what to say, and what I think, what to share, and what to hold back on. As someone who has recognised, over time, the impact words have, I wrestle between caution and courage.
There’s a lot of fear out here in the world. From racism, discrimination, and fear on all “sides” of the issues- stems deep defensiveness, misconceptions, and poor communication; to the latest with the coronavirus, (why aren’t the news reporting on the rates of recovery??? ) Does this speak to the disease vs symptom treatment of many current healthcare models?; to knife crime and violence- so many people ending their time on this planet through this means.
There’s a lot of fear. Do you feel like that fear serves a purpose though? Sometimes it can, sometimes it’s a rallying point, sometimes you see the best of human nature unfolding. I know there’s a possibility that fear could lead you to dig deep and ask what’s going on here? Try to get a grip of what’s happened, where things have gone left, and what the lessons are within the experiences.
It feels like this idea of relying on certainty (for me the most certain place to rest my faith is Allah, the Eternal, the Ansolute), to weather through periods of uncertainty, in a flexible and strong manner, isn’t mainstream.
Sometimes I look at that and think there’s a reason it isn’t the mainstream messaging. It doesn’t necessarily serve capitalism. It serves a higher power and strengthens individual’s internal reasoning and deductive skills, along side emphasising shared humanity, and the interconnected nature of our lives.
It feels at times that societies (at least the one i currently live in) are moving away from that interconnectedness. What do they say? Divided they fall? As you know I’m a counselling student. There’s this movement in psychology to move towards a Power Threat Meaning Framework. It basically advocates looking at and recognising our difficult experiences, and how messaging from wider society can invrease feelings of guilt, shame, and isolation (source: bps).
There’s this strange (to me) sanitisation from life experiences and the human, (natural inclination towards adaptation and doing the best that we can with the resources at hand) response, that’s almost a means of blaming individuals for not coping without considering what the experiences they’ve gone through are, recognising that they are coping, if in a maladjusted way, and beginning to reconcile that and encourage better coping strategies that work within their given experiences. In short understanding a dis-ease means slso understanding the context.
Honestly there’s a lot going on right now. I want people to remember to look after themselves and others in the human family. I want people to have courage, which flows from a knowledge that what happens to you in life is ultimately for your good, (and always a means of drawing you ever closer to your Maker. I want us to really go back to our fitrah, (purest form of our natures) and remember that we are brothers and sisters in humanity. That what affects me affects you as fellow sojourners on this planet. Mostly I want us to rekindle the light of hope in ourselves, in eachother.
I have back to back deadlines coming up, and I’ve not felt stressed in anyway. However, I’ve also not felt a sense of urgency either. So I’ve lackadaisically left everything to the last minute. And still I don’t feel particularly stressed.
It’s a very strange surreal experience, I feel like the faily meditations with the 21 days of abundance challenge I’ve been taking part in, is definitely a contributing factor to this. I just feel this overwhelming sense of trust and surety, that it will be done.
A familiar part of me wants to chastise myself, but a wiser more accepting part feels like, this is exactly how it was meant to play out and it isn’t even the best use of my energy syressing about it, but rather putting that energy into completing my assignements on time to the best of my abilities is better.
In other news: today I had a photo shoot! A really fun experience with a friend that culminated in me interviewing her about a project I got the chance to be a part of. I’ll be putting it together for YouTube- soonish (bi’ithni’llah) … Once I get all my work out of the way. I’m really excited to edit it, and see what the end result is. I feel like we have great in person chemistry, I wonder how that will translate on screen once I work on the footage.
February goals check in
So I set a self-commitment to upload four oosts to this blog this month, and four vidoes to youtube. I think I’m 2/4 on each of those, still there’s time. I think it’s all possible, it’s just about making the most of my time. Speaking of, I deleted the instagram from my phone yesterday in order to be a bit more focused.
To conclude (can you tell im in essay writing mode?) I hope you are all doing well, going for your goals, and looking after yourself too (it’s a delicate balance- at least in my experience- and even still, we can do it!)
9 hours ago, @rocksfilm released the official trailer to their film.
Ten minutes ago, I saw the trailer. I watched it. It left me in tears. The movie is release date is April 10, and I’ve already sent the trailer to a few friends.
I just am flummoxed, this is a film like notjing ive ever seen before. I’m 28 now. No longer a black teenager growing up in Britain, but wow if this didn’t just blow me away.
What choked me up was that instant sense of relating to the characters. Seeing parts of my everyday experience even in that brief snippet in the trailer. Who doesn’t remember the secondary school playground, doing hair selling bracelets, it’s just such a mood/ vibe, and I’m really really really proud of the team who put it together, the young ladies who star in it, and I just want it to succeed.
So in the space of twenty minutes I have become a stan and I’m sharing it with everyone I can.
One of my amazing and brilliant friends had the bold and visionary idea to start a money mastermind group. It was an inspired idea to get our respective finances and money mindsets in order and we’re a couple weeks in and going strong.
Something that someone said on one of our group calls really impacted me, you know those moments where you hear something and you have to stop because the words resonate so much that it feels like they’ve physically taken hold of you and changed your perspective? So in that moment you’re silently re-examining everything you’ve ever experienced with this new possibility in mind. It was a big moment.
On the topic of something that scared us/dragged us far out of our comfort zone, I mentioned that spoken word definitely feels a whole word of scary to me, I wasn’t the only one who felt that way, on a tangent it’s interesting to me how many of my friends are “private poets” let’s call it (expressing the feelings through poetry in a very personal and not for public consumption kind of way).
The thing that blew me away? To paraphrase: “poetry is a means of you expressing how you feel, there’s no need for you to be comparing your poetry to anyone else’s, the thing that you really have to ask yourself is whether you believe your feelings matter.”
Just wow. Even writing this out again from memory i’m still taken aback by it, their is so much truth in this statement, and when I ask myself, I know that on some level along the way I did learn or take on board the messaging that my feelings weren’t important.
I felt the words in my chest. Naturally I had to write about it. I’ve got some idea of where some of this messaging came from, certain life experiences etc. Saying that I also think that’s a large part of the messaging of our society, at least historically, I think things are starting to change, (though the pendulum effect might be taking place and it seems to be overcompensating and swinging really far in the direction of “my feelings matter more than anyone else’s”) .
Even still it’s such an important thing to consider whether on some level you hold a limiting belief to that effect, then having identified that, what will you do about that?
I am all kinds of excited to be returning back to university.
I recently got my results back, and feel so grateful, and humbled. Some of the work I submitted was during some really challenging times for me, where I was emotionally distraught by things going on for me at the time, and stressed out about meeting certain deadlines, and really pushing myself to get my work done to a good standard. It just felt like my results were an example of God’s Grace on me, and a validation for the effort I put in.
Our module handbooks are being uploaded to moodle gradually, and looking over them, I can see that this term they’ve upped the ante, as well as the word counts :D. Im determined to write my assignments ahead of time so as to make use of feedback from student support and lecturers, I think that’s the way to really reach my goal of a first class degree. I can do it! I’m also looking forward to the structure that regularly going to uni brings.
Full of hope, excitement, enthusiasm, and determination.
(Current background on all my devices courtesy of Knit picks with slight modification by me)
So I finally met my deadline. Yay I got my two thousand word essay submitted on time, just barely.
When coming up to a deadline does anyone else feel the pressure building and building and building… no one? Just me? *flops down with a dramatic sigh*
In a way I think I normally thrive on that pressure. The tension builds up, and I bolster myself by looking forward to that feeling of relief and joy that I usually get as soon as the essay has been submitted. However today that feeling was nowhere to be found, I submitted my paper in turnitin and I just felt like okay. That’s good. You got it done… okay.
Things just rang a bit hollow. You know? I talked myself into doing a little happy dance, just because one of my commitments to myself is to celebrate milestones along the way.
I’m wondering if the recent chapter in my life’s story book beginning its conclusion overshadowed my joy. Im not sure because in terms of that I feel very much at peace and have a deep sense of clarity and acceptance.
Maybe I pushed myself too hard towards the end and my brain just needs a reset. That happens quite often. I mean as much effort as I put into the planning, and as much as that made theessay writing easier, I did still end up writing up about one thousand eight hundred of those words between the hours of 1pm and 3:52 pm this afternoon. That’s pretty radical when i think about it.
Hmm, okay I’ve got it now. Writing is such an illuminating process. My conclusion and introduction were both very rushed, and I have a sense that they may bring my grade down, however a late submission would mean an automatic 5% deduction of my mark. So I chose to submit on time. My takeaway? Even if you have a great planning strategy, you still need to factor in time to write, proofread, and submit your essay.
Ah it’s good to have gotten a handle on my internal thouggt process through writing this. .
All day I just noticed myself being a bit slower, slightly more thoughtful, so very aware of my need in front of my Rabb, and grateful for the small things. Whilst these are all good things not being able to put my finger on why was sloghtly agitating.
Now I can happily get bavk to be grateful for things like taking my kids to nursery and not needing to lug the buggy up and down three flights of stairs, my youngest bubba is getting to be a big boy 😭😭Alhamdulillah
Fine words weave
P.s. another commitment to myself is to get some writing on this blog once a week. At the very least.
Late at night, a few essays due for uni, and I find myself scouring the net, thirsty for knowledge. Unconcerned with the topic of my essay for now, instead I read article after article of Black British women. My peers, doing amazing things, speaking about racism, race, culture, the impact it has….
My mind makes note of names, and words, I search for books on amazon, adding them to my basket, purchasing a few on audible with my backlog of credits.
It dawns on me, how thirsty I am for this knowledge. How absent it was from the majority of my education, or how two dimensional it was, when it was present there.
There are so many thoughts about how disconnected it all is, and a part of me grieves for my younger self.
Still, there is hope, with every breath there is hope.
It’s been quite a while since my last post. Our youngest is starting to find his feet, and his interest in exploring various corners of our house has kept me on my toes. Anywho, today I was reading an email by Omar Usman who writes about the Fiqh of Social Media on Mosque Inreach vs Outreach, whilst I enjoy reading his emails and find them to be full of thought provoking goodness, (hence me feeling like I need to read them when I have the time and quiet to do so with at least a little bit of concentration), I realised that this morning, at least, I was reading the article with my parental sense on. Certain phrases jumped out at me, and seemed to me to be sound advice for parenting, achieving a goal, things to do with my business…
Here’s one example.
“Whoever is tasked with the spiritual leadership, or shepherding, of the community must develop a vision for what that development (tarbiyyyah) process looks like over time and how to achieve it.”
This could be applied in so many different areas of life.
How many times does the lense/ mindset we currently have affect how we read things and/ or scenarios?