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Some days

there’s nothing


and you’re not

quite sure

how you’ll make it to the next.


Some days

you’re running on empty.

and you set your eyes,

on small, barely

achievable goals;

like make it through this hour,

or just muster up

the will to shower.



These words are here

a small reminder

for when you’re swimming,

up hill through sticky syrup,



At some point,

you will put your foot,

back in the stirrup.

It’s not today,

and that is far from a disaster

Hold on,

as hard of an ask,

as that sometimes is.


In the not

too distant future,

You’ll crest the hill,

Atop the saddle,

riding your way,

back to laughter.


Hospitalisation and How it Affected my Writing

I was looking back at some old blog posts on a different host site, and I stumbled across a long forgotten post from Novemeber 2010. In it I wrote

…So that’s what’s been going on with me. Well that and a stint in hospital, which I think had completely broken me.

I’ve not been able to write anything, which in turn has led me to be upset… but I just don’t feel things the way I used to. It’s weird and horrible, and I hope no one has to feel the way I feel.

My sense of humour has totally changed. Things I found funny before are now not nearly as funny. I have officially become an unenthusiastic person. It bites and I don’t know how to change it, or how to feel things anymore.

I’m not asking why. I accept that this is something that has had to happen, because it did actually happen, I just wanna know what to do about it.

Reading this seven years later and being confronted with that former version of myself is hard. My heart swells and remembers the faint echo of its old wounds whilst reading this post.

It was written shortly after I was sectioned under the mental health act and hospitalised. I am someone who is pretty open about this having been part of my life experience, though I feel where I come from, both from a cultural and religious standpoint, there is still at times a stigma attached to mental health problems, and being open about difficulties people face in that regard. I stand by my resolve to be open about my experience though, because it is through sharing, open discussion, and sincere reflection, that I believe we all learn, develop, and reach new levels of compassion and understanding.

What is very weird though, is that I’d forgotten that my writing slump coincided with my being sectioned. Prior to being sectioned, I would spend countless nights losing sleep because I was pouring out a new story idea, or working on a new poem, or just scribbling my feelings out in a journal. After being sectioned I just couldn’t do it. I tried, I tried to force myself to keep writing, I even attempted NaNoWriMo from my room on the triage ward, but it just didn’t pan out.

For perhaps the majority of my life words and writing have been places of refuge for me; from spending summers folding a4 sheets of paper in half, stapling them in the middle and designing books, writing endless stories fuelled by a youthful imagination, to journalling during my time in boarding school, even those angst filled poems that littered my teenage years. However, in the midst of one of my most difficult life experiences, that tool and solace was lost to me.

It was not that I couldn’t access writing, it’s just there was something off about it, even now it’s so hard to express this in a way that makes sense. It was almost as though in the same way that my self confidence had withered away during my time in hospital, the creativity I normally overflowed with when it came time to put my fingers to the keyboard or even pen to paper had shrivelled up too. I can still remember the desperate struggle to write, how huge of a mental block there seemed to be, how it was almost as though I’d lost not only the capacity to express myself, but also the will to do so. I believe this is very much a parallel to how things stood for me at that time mentally too. It took a lot of work to get back on an even keel, Alhamdulillah! I do feel that this experience, as much as it knocked me down, was useful in that it was a way to start rebuilding myself with a stronger foundation.

Eventually, painstakingly slowly my love of writing did return. I started of with a journal, a hot pink faux leather bound lined notebook; no dates or days, just blank lined pages a year after I left hospital. I didn’t write every day, in fact weeks would go by and I wouldn’t pick up my pen at all. When I did write, I would write a sentence here, a paragraph there, and there were a lot of days where I couldn’t find the motivation to get out of bed, talk less of the mental effort it took to pick up a pen and organise my thoughts enough to write what I was feeling.

I kept writing though. A new year started and I was still using that same hot pink diary… occasionally. Gradually I was recovering, and so was my writing. Things were not exactly the same, just as I had been altered by my experiences, I believe my writing was too. At times writing can still be a challenge, but I am so grateful that it wasn’t lost to me forever.

To anyone who’s found that mental health issues have negatively impacted their writing I wanted to just put this out there, don’t lose hope. It can come back, it may not be the same, but the challenging things that we go through in life don’t have to forever be dark ink blots on the pages of our life stories, we have the capacity to grow from and learn from our experiences. To transform the inkblots into fantastic illustrations of growth and starting points for change.

Lots of love

Fun Facts about HG and a Pregnancy Yoga DVD

As salaam alaykum, Peace be upon you!

How are you doing? It’s been a while right? I’ve been spending a lot of time and energy taking care of baby. Alhamdulilah (praise and thanks is due to Allah). I will not lie to you, it is exhausting! Thrilling, but exhausting. Blogging makes me feel better, like i’m making good use of the little free time I have so I wanted to put this together.

So a lifetime ago, back when I was still pregnant, I did battle with a little known condition called Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Hyperemesis Gravidarum, or HG, is more than a lot to get your mouth around. It is a condition that affects about 1-2% of pregnant women.
Its symptoms include an incredible amount of vomiting. I’m not talking about the odd up-chuck here or there that can sometimes accompany morning sickness. Oh no, I’m talking chained to a toilet, might as well live in your bathroom, don’t go anywhere without a ziploc food bag, or leak proof container, amount of vomit. Seriously vomiting 15 times could be considered a “good day” for a woman battling with HG. You’re actually more likely to average 30 to 45 days a day. This is generally accompanied with an overwhelming sense of nausea, that doesn’t actually lift after throwing up.

A hyper sense of smell and light and motion sensitivity are three other “delightful” complaints that a woman may develop that combine to increase the amount of up-chuck. I myself got to a point in time where watching tv, hearing my husband speak, seeing him moving around, or even receiving a text message on my phone could be cause for a weak stagger to the loo.

With so much throwing up happening, it is normally really difficult for a woman experiencing HG to get the food and nutrition that she needs. Home remedies that normally work for sickness or morning sickness, like dry toast, dry crackers, small sips of water, sea sickness bands, eating little and often, eating 15 minutes before you get up, and (the bane of every HG woman who has ever been given well meaning advice) ginger, generally have absolutely no positive effects.

In fact speaking from experience I’m pretty sure they make things worse. The taste of dry toast/crackers/plain rice sort of sits in your mouth and only encourages nausea and vomitting. Also ginger burns on its way back up. Water whether consumed in huge gulps or small sips was pretty much a sure fire way to see me reaching for my ziploc bag, and eating little and often was an impossible fantasy. When I could actually eat, throwing up all day tends to diminish your appetite, I was either ravenous,or just desperaetely aware that i needed to eat something even if it would make a return shortly, and thus would select my food according to what would be easier on my throat and tastebuds on the way back up.


Not surpisingly the other two symptons that normally end up signposting HG are severe weight loss and dehydration. Within the first 16 weeks of pregnancy I’d lost over ten percent of my bodyweight, and been admitted to a&e no less than 6 time.

It was an incredibly humbling experience. I really could not have gotten through it without my wonderful soulmate, my support network, the people in the HG facebook group, a Gp willing to listen,  and ultimately a faith that My Lord would bring ease upon ease after this hardship.  I hope at some point I will be able to dedicate some time to putting together an in depth account of my  experience. If you would like more HG information and resources checkout HER & Pregnancy sickness support. Or if you would like to read about first hand accounts from other women who are currently or have experienced HG check out We Are Hyperemesis.

Thankfully by 22 weeks we were able to find the right combination of medicine to help make things a bit more manageable.  I wasn’t up for running any marathons, not that many pregnant women are, but I was able to accomplish about ten minutes of yoga a day. So when I was sent a pregnancy yoga dvd for review I was cautiously happy.


I wanted to share that review on here 🙂

Azeezat Awarded The Nadia Narain’s ‘Pregnancy Yoga’ DVD 4/5*

The packaging was interesting, and I wondered if the instructor would be pregnant in the video. (She wasn’t though there was a pregnant lady being instructed by her) The first time I used it I went straight to the exercises and found myself confused, however after a while, I figured out that the “practices” (an option on the dvd menu) had more in depth explanation, I found that a bit easier to use.

I liked the sessions of yoga, but I found them to be quite challenging, and as I’m getting further along in my pregnancy, I’m finding that 20 minutes of the yoga sessions is a bit too much. Fortunately that’s the benefit of it being on a DVD, i.e. you have the option to pause it, perhaps select ten minutes and finish there for the day. The breathing exercises were very useful, and I was surprised to say that the birth affirmations were actually quite nice, and peaceful. Also I like that there was an option for those with pelvic strain. I found this strenuous on some days, and challenging, although that said they were invigorating too.

Overall I would say the exercises make you feel as though you’ve gotten your heart rate up a bit, whilst at the same time leaving you feeling a bit more limber. I didn’t see the option to turn off the music. I would have liked to have that option. Good video quality, clear sound, and adequate lighting. The amount of content, and variety on the DVD was quite a lot, and so consider it good value for the price. I would consider buying it; however I feel the option for a couple of shorter routines would be nice as well. I would recommend to this dvd but perhaps mostly to those who are already in to yoga.  It was a nice chance to get some exercise in, useful if you’re housebound, and want to still try and be a bit active. Azeezat Aboderin
* this review originally appeared on the bizziebaby website and has been edited for readability purposes.

Also if you are a expecting/ parent intesrested in reviewing profucts definitely check out the bizzie baby website. You can join and be sent products to give your opinion on.
Thank you very much for reading.

Take care and have a lovely day

Azeezat A.B.A

Back into learning

Peace, mercy, and blessings y’all!
Sorry I’ve not been blogging for a bit. My mum’s been in town, and I’ve been pretty busy. Just helped her with her luggage this evening (bittersweet).

Anyway I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately, and I’ve decided I want to do weekly or possibly bi-weekly videos on my YouTube channel. I’m going to try and get back in to education, and I plan to document my journey back into it via videos/ vlogs.

Anyway I’ll keep y’all posted.

Thanks for reading,

Take care

Back to Being a Hijabi

You may have noticed I’m back to being a hijabi, by this I mean a Muslimah (female muslim) that practices the use of hijab…




I’m happy like that, I sort of took a leave of absence from it for a while after I got out of hospital, which goes to show that all sorts of people can have bouts of low or high iman. Alhamdulilah though (All praise is due to God), I’m working my way back to this deen.

Like nowadays, I like to hang out at the masjid when I can, and it’s actually (well obviously) a nice place to hang. I’ve made some new friends out of the sisters I see there on a regular basis. I love having muslimahs for friends because in a way the encourage you towards what is good, not only in matters of this world, but in the next one. May Allah bless them and give them Barakah ameen.

Anyway I’m pleased with the way things are going Alhamdulilah, May I, and you always be content ameen