Met my Deadline, the fanfare sounds hollow

(Current background on all my devices courtesy of Knit picks with slight modification by me)

So I finally met my deadline. Yay I got my two thousand word essay submitted on time, just barely.

When coming up to a deadline does anyone else feel the pressure building and building and building… no one? Just me? *flops down with a dramatic sigh*

In a way I think I normally thrive on that pressure. The tension builds up, and I bolster myself by looking forward to that feeling of relief and joy that I usually get as soon as the essay has been submitted. However today that feeling was nowhere to be found, I submitted my paper in turnitin and I just felt like okay. That’s good. You got it done… okay.

Things just rang a bit hollow. You know? I talked myself into doing a little happy dance, just because one of my commitments to myself is to celebrate milestones along the way.

I’m wondering if the recent chapter in my life’s story book beginning its conclusion overshadowed my joy. Im not sure because in terms of that I feel very much at peace and have a deep sense of clarity and acceptance.

Maybe I pushed myself too hard towards the end and my brain just needs a reset. That happens quite often. I mean as much effort as I put into the planning, and as much as that made theessay writing easier, I did still end up writing up about one thousand eight hundred of those words between the hours of 1pm and 3:52 pm this afternoon. That’s pretty radical when i think about it.

Hmm, okay I’ve got it now. Writing is such an illuminating process. My conclusion and introduction were both very rushed, and I have a sense that they may bring my grade down, however a late submission would mean an automatic 5% deduction of my mark. So I chose to submit on time. My takeaway? Even if you have a great planning strategy, you still need to factor in time to write, proofread, and submit your essay.

Ah it’s good to have gotten a handle on my internal thouggt process through writing this. .

All day I just noticed myself being a bit slower, slightly more thoughtful, so very aware of my need in front of my Rabb, and grateful for the small things. Whilst these are all good things not being able to put my finger on why was sloghtly agitating.

Now I can happily get bavk to be grateful for things like taking my kids to nursery and not needing to lug the buggy up and down three flights of stairs, my youngest bubba is getting to be a big boy ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญAlhamdulillah

Take care

Azeezat Adeola,

Fine words weave

P.s. another commitment to myself is to get some writing on this blog once a week. At the very least.

Week 1 โœ…

Exquisite

“Stop Digging!”

You hear in your mind

You’re not going to find gold here

Only pain and rocks and dust.

Keep digging

Just go on

Excavate and go deeper

You will find the fine pure beautiful exquisitiveness

Of your young innocent soul

Under all the dirt and soil and debris

Take it out

Shake off the dirt

It shines

So pure and Golden

It’s still you,

You’re still her

Pure

A Yoruba Proverb

In a conversation with my mother recently she mentioned a Yoruba proverb.

Eni ti eyan ma ku han, eyan okin fi ara pamo fun

Why hide yourself from the ones you’ll be exposed to when dead

Consider this, when we die there are certain people to whom responsibility will fall. Those who ought to wash our (respective) bodies and prepare them for burial, those it falls on to take care of the rites, and organise things. In essence they are those who must take charge of our bodies, the ones to whom the obligations and, in effect our bodies now belong.

What can be inferred from the proverb is that these people have a stake in our lives, and a responsibilty towards us after we are departed. We can not hide ourselves from them in death, so logically it does not make much sense to hide ourselves from them in life.

If we feel the need to hide our problems and or struggles from our nearest and dearest, shouldn’t we also consider that at a certain point these will become their struggles too?

We are planted in the soil of our particular situations for a reason. (I firmly believe that this reason is growth, and developing a firm rooted understanding of our ultimate purpose in existence; to worship the Creator). With our ultimate reliance being placed on the Creator we can develop an understanding that support can come in from varying places and indeed people.

Reflecting, it dawns on me that I’ve made a lot of errors of late, and the one person that understands the most about how I feel concerning those mistakes, is the person I have made those errors against. What I’ve learned from this experience is that those around us can, if allowed, shed light on issues from different perspectives and help us to clarify our understanding of things, and in that way enable us to come up with a game plan for how we wish to move forward.

There is great benefit to be found in seeking assistance, and also from assisting others. As it is said, Islam is Naseeha, that is, the good advice. We can benefit from consulting with people. We still have the right to disagree, of course and that right is ours no one can take it away from us, but the blessing of having those around us who are invested and actually want good for us is that we get to make use of the resources they offer.

At times these people might be friends they may be family, the key is that they are trustworthy and want good for us, not only on a superficial level, and because of that are willing to point out to us, or indeed help us point out to ourselves where we’re going wrong or falling short of the persons we are/aspire to be.

In brief; Life is difficult at times. There is no harm in sharing part of that difficulty with those who will be there for your body after you have left it.

Welcome to the world

Alhamdulillahi rabbil alamin, All praise and gratitude is due to Allah the Lord of all the worlds. Just over a week ago the new addition to our family was delivered safely into this world. I can not adequately express what a privilege, honour, and humongous blessing it is to become a parent once more. How awed and humbled I am that this honour was written for me again.

It is not possible to thank God sufficiently for all the blessings that He bestows on His creation, but it is possible to try and remember to be grateful always.

Alhamdulillah.

This poem has renewed significance.

My Lord is All-Aware.

Thank you for taking the time to read these musings, take care. Posts might slow down a bit as we get settled in.

Lots of love and hopes for your peace in this life and the next,

Azeezat

โค๏ธโœจโค๏ธ

Stay Listening

Peaceful Parenting ๐Ÿ’™๐Ÿฆ‹

My 23 month old is crying; his face is all crumpled up, and tears are streaming down his face. He’s got quite the pair of lungs on him, so the sobs that wrack his chest are pretty loud. I don’t immediately rush to shush him, or tell him not to cry, or even tell him that there isn’t a need to cry over small things. Instead I reach for the tools and skills I’ve been developing and learning from my peaceful parenting course. The ones that empower me to parent from a peaceful place inside. To not let the tides of my own emotions overwhelm the ship of my parenting. To listen to him crying, to be there with him in that moment.

The huge swell of panic that used to immediately overwhelm me, the need to just make him stop crying, at near any cost, that, alhamdulillah has gone. Sure it has not suddenly become the highlight of my day when my toddler starts crying and screaming, but slowly slowly I’m building confidence, finding pockets of peace and breathing room, to think and make decisions as opposed to just react. I’m learning to listen to his upset, and not have it rock me and my emotions. I’m able to put my trust in my Lord that my child’s behaviour right now does not mean in future he will be whatever it is I fear. Crying over sweets doesn’t mean he will become spoilt. Pinching somebody else doesn’t mean he will become a bully. It just means his behaviour is off track. It just means he is learning.

He needs my love, connection and listening most, when he is off track. It is exhausting work, any type of parenting is.

But, I’m able to recognise his cries now, for what they are. A way of letting me know that he feels disconnected, that he needs to reconnect with me. He as young as he is, is still subject to his emotions just as we all are. He also faces the challenges and tests that come with living life, and the best way I can foster intelligence both emotional and other kinds, and encourage him to learn ways to deal with these challenges, is to offer connection during these times, to stay listening, and to maintain the limits.

Traditionally speaking, I will be, and have been told, that his behaviour is something I should control, that it is disrespectful or rude for him to be upset by things (perhaps a certain household rule, or something I have told him he is not allowed to have), that I ought to punish him so that he learns to respect me. What I’m coming to realise, is that punishing him for expressing his need for connection serves only to push us further away from each other. The truth is, it is impossible to control anyone else. In fact at times even controlling ourselves can be a struggle. Rather it is Allah that is in control of all of the affairs of the heavens and earth.

One of the gems I picked up during the course which really shook me up, and made me contemplate, was this. My child as he is, is not yet accountable to Allah for his actions, at least not until he reaches the age of maturity. I however am. If his spilling a cup of water on the floor sends me into a rage, or initiates a huge over reaction on my part, then where does this show of injustice lie on the scale of parenting as an act of ibadah. Quite far from ihsan (the best) I would say. And very far removed from the person I want to be.

I have been giving a lot of thought to the woman I am, and the woman I want to be. My personal standards and the esteem I hold my soul in leave me unwilling to be reactive in my parenting approach. I want to be better, and do better. It’s a journey, and not an easy one mind you, but I’m ready and willing to put in the work bi’ithni’llah.

Gentleness only beautifies a thing

I think one of the things that we as muslims, especially muslim parents have to realise is that we must not be oppressors. Especially when it comes to our children, they have so many rights over us! They have been entrusted into out care by the Creator of the heavens and the earth.

And yes it’s a constant struggle (jihad ul nafs) to remain patient, and considerate, and respectful but it’s important to remember that raising a child is an act of worship (ibadah), it’s important to reflect and renew our intentions, to aim for the best we can do (ihsan), and to be humble respectful and not feel like you cannot apologise when you slip up asking forgiveness from them and also istighfar.

Look at our examples, look at the beautiful respectful and gentle way rasulallah salallahu alayhi wa salaam treated the young people around him.
One only needs to look to the seerah and hadith to see that he was extremely merciful, and patient when it came to children.

I’ll be the first to admit that I do struggle with this, so this really is a reminder to myself first and foremost. I pray Allah makes our hearts soft, and blesses us with patience, mercy, and compassion for all of the youth. Gentleness only beautifies a thing. ๐Ÿ’•

Waiting to meet you

Oh you darling little gem,

buried in three layers of darkness,

I am so looking forward to meeting you,

being a part of your emergence.

 

Oh you sweet little amaanah,

nestled comfortably away,

I am awaiting your arrival,

(from you) my thoughts rarely stray.

 

Oh you golden autumnย blessing,

rocked to rest by my motion,

In whole I am altered,

By these waves ofย tumultuous emotion.

Rู Eู Sู Pู Eู Cู Tู 

Salaamu alaykum peace upon you,

I am so grateful to have gotten through the past month. It has had it’s upsides and its downsides, but ultimately I can say I learnt a lot. Alhamdulillah, all praise is due to Allah.

Today, whilst I was painting my nails, and watching Supernanny, I got to thinking about one of my younger brothers. He’s a really cool kid. He’s intelligent, funny, and he can be considerate, when he wants to be!
Continue reading “Rู Eู Sู Pู Eู Cู Tู ”

The best cousins…

Alhamdulillah, all praise is due to Allah; I’ve got some brilliant cousins.

I’m not just saying that, it’s true! This is why it’s good to share good news sometimes, that feeling of spreading joy, and sharing your happiness is so much better than sharing your worries. Got to love family.
Ya Allah, open the doors of goodness for them. Amin x

In other news, I was craving cinnamon and cookie dough ice-cream tonight. I guess it’s a good thing, that I probably won’t get to have any though: After all, ice cream is not exactly the healthiest of midnight snacks…

๐Ÿ™‚

I went to work today. I’ve got a part time job! I don’t know if I told you? ๐Ÿ‘ฏ I’ve just started, and the contracts still need to be sorted out, but I’ve been blessed with a job. Hip hip hooray! I already feel like a contributing member of society. Yay!

Alhamdulillah.

In other news, the yearly October self debate has begun, what am I going to write about? plan or pants? fiction or non-fiction? ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m looking forward to this year’s NaNoWriMo.

Here are some pretty pictures from my day.

IMG_0120.PNG IMG_1342.JPG IMG_1337.JPGIMG_1335.JPG

Alright, I’m signing off. I’m already awake, now is as good a time as any to get some studying in. Might as well give it a go, before I go back to sleep.

Good night my people.

XxX

A.B.A.A

The sisters I chose

We all have a family we are born into. Alhamdulilah (all praise is due to Allah). We may or may not always get on with them or like them, or even live with them, or know them that well, or understand the language they speak, or their modes and methods for getting things done. They are however … our family, both a test and a blessing.
In fact they often demonstrate that they are a test and blessing in the same breath.

This post isn’t about them today. Today this post is about those people we adopt into our life as family. Today’s post is about the sisters I chose for myself.

Alhamdulillah, the road my life has travelled so far has been filled with potholes, pitfalls, and rest stops. It has also been filled with the wind in my hijab, the sun on my back, and laughing voices in the backseat of the vehicle of my life.

I have sisters from Italy, and sisters from Singapore, sisters from Spain, and sisters from The Phillipines, sisters from The Gambia, sisters from Nigeria, and sisters from America. TabarakAllah! (Blessed Allah) May Allah grant them goodness, guidance, sakinah (tranquility), pure intentions, and blessings; in this life and the next.
Amin.

Current view on the road
Current view on the road