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Peaceful Parenting 💙🦋

My 23 month old is crying; his face is all crumpled up, and tears are streaming down his face. He’s got quite the pair of lungs on him, so the sobs that wrack his chest are pretty loud. I don’t immediately rush to shush him, or tell him not to cry, or even tell him that there isn’t a need to cry over small things. Instead I reach for the tools and skills I’ve been developing and learning from my peaceful parenting course. The ones that empower me to parent from a peaceful place inside. To not let the tides of my own emotions overwhelm the ship of my parenting. To listen to him crying, to be there with him in that moment.

The huge swell of panic that used to immediately overwhelm me, the need to just make him stop crying, at near any cost, that, alhamdulillah has gone. Sure it has not suddenly become the highlight of my day when my toddler starts crying and screaming, but slowly slowly I’m building confidence, finding pockets of peace and breathing room, to think and make decisions as opposed to just react. I’m learning to listen to his upset, and not have it rock me and my emotions. I’m able to put my trust in my Lord that my child’s behaviour right now does not mean in future he will be whatever it is I fear. Crying over sweets doesn’t mean he will become spoilt. Pinching somebody else doesn’t mean he will become a bully. It just means his behaviour is off track. It just means he is learning.

He needs my love, connection and listening most, when he is off track. It is exhausting work, any type of parenting is.

But, I’m able to recognise his cries now, for what they are. A way of letting me know that he feels disconnected, that he needs to reconnect with me. He as young as he is, is still subject to his emotions just as we all are. He also faces the challenges and tests that come with living life, and the best way I can foster intelligence both emotional and other kinds, and encourage him to learn ways to deal with these challenges, is to offer connection during these times, to stay listening, and to maintain the limits.

Traditionally speaking, I will be, and have been told, that his behaviour is something I should control, that it is disrespectful or rude for him to be upset by things (perhaps a certain household rule, or something I have told him he is not allowed to have), that I ought to punish him so that he learns to respect me. What I’m coming to realise, is that punishing him for expressing his need for connection serves only to push us further away from each other. The truth is, it is impossible to control anyone else. In fact at times even controlling ourselves can be a struggle. Rather it is Allah that is in control of all of the affairs of the heavens and earth.

One of the gems I picked up during the course which really shook me up, and made me contemplate, was this. My child as he is, is not yet accountable to Allah for his actions, at least not until he reaches the age of maturity. I however am. If his spilling a cup of water on the floor sends me into a rage, or initiates a huge over reaction on my part, then where does this show of injustice lie on the scale of parenting as an act of ibadah. Quite far from ihsan (the best) I would say. And very far removed from the person I want to be.

I have been giving a lot of thought to the woman I am, and the woman I want to be. My personal standards and the esteem I hold my soul in leave me unwilling to be reactive in my parenting approach. I want to be better, and do better. It’s a journey, and not an easy one mind you, but I’m ready and willing to put in the work bi’ithni’llah.

Gentleness only beautifies a thing

I think one of the things that we as muslims, especially muslim parents have to realise is that we must not be oppressors. Especially when it comes to our children, they have so many rights over us! They have been entrusted into out care by the Creator of the heavens and the earth.

And yes it’s a constant struggle (jihad ul nafs) to remain patient, and considerate, and respectful but it’s important to remember that raising a child is an act of worship (ibadah), it’s important to reflect and renew our intentions, to aim for the best we can do (ihsan), and to be humble respectful and not feel like you cannot apologise when you slip up asking forgiveness from them and also istighfar.

Look at our examples, look at the beautiful respectful and gentle way rasulallah salallahu alayhi wa salaam treated the young people around him.
One only needs to look to the seerah and hadith to see that he was extremely merciful, and patient when it came to children.

I’ll be the first to admit that I do struggle with this, so this really is a reminder to myself first and foremost. I pray Allah makes our hearts soft, and blesses us with patience, mercy, and compassion for all of the youth. Gentleness only beautifies a thing. 💕

‘”Don’t you like talking?” vs “Don’t you like keeping quiet?”‘

cropped-hadithe-steadfastness.jpgI think it’s important that we have regular conversations with ourself.

I look at it this way, my body, and my soul, and my mind. They are three different reflections, of me as I’m standing in front of a three-way mirror. Other people might walk by and pass and comment, but ultimately I’m the one standing in front of the mirror.

They, “the people”, society! say that we are often are own worsts critics, and this is true. But we can also be our own trumpet blowers too. It is important for me, and for you, to strike the right balance between this, the right balance that suits your own innate nature.

For me there’s a mental check list that my mind keeps hold of.

“What would please my Lord, my Rabb?” my mind asks.

“Doing this” my soul replies, hastily wanting to answer before my body does.

“Doing ‘that’!” my body butts in, not wanting to have it’s opinion trampled.

Ever patient, having been given reason by My Lord, my mind asks again, “What would please My Lord, the Creator (Al Khaaliq) ?”

“We could do ‘this’?” My body wants to compromise.

So does my soul, “We could do ‘that’ though”.

Again my mind asks, “What would please My Lord, Creator of all that is in existence?”

I reach a compromise.

My soul says, “I want to do ‘other’.”

My body says, “I want to do ‘other’.”

My mid says, “Okay, let’s do ‘other’.”

It can work out like this fast, or it can work out like this slowly, either way, as long as it works out like this I am happy, because “Other” is actually my name. As in I am another person. A different person from everyone else. Yes everyone is different, and that makes for some sameness. But in all honestly, if I sit down and take some time, that true me, that inner me, created by my Rabb, is the me that will come out.

So i guess in a way… I’m advocating patience.

:).

That’s it from me, take care.

Azeezat A.B.A.

Pst! (whispers) I wrote an article, following in my uncles footsteps… but don’t tell him 😉 It’s a “not so secret”, secret.

Busy Busy – oh friends!

The Run up to school, means I’ve got quite a few things on my plate, but I find it helpful to chill out, and write a blog post, just to set those thoughts in order.

I spoke to a couple friends today that I haven’t spoken to in a while, and I honestly miss them. 🙂 Funny how it always seems easier to see your friends when you’re all back on campus. Even if they go to a completely different educational institution to you. It just goes to show that it is about how you prioritise.

Speaking of friends, a certain friend of mine revealed that he has a business too. It’s interesting that had I not asked, I would never have known. So… I might just become an affiliate, I’ll just do him a favour and post the link here for now. Honestly it’s also a favour to myself, I don’t want to forget once I update my site… though I’m sure he’ll remind me 🙂

http://www.3s-acompany.com/

Second another friend of mine reminded me today, that sometimes moving onward and upwards can be an unsettling and scary experience. Sure it’s fun, with all the excitement of new things, and learning stuff, but sometimes its good to be reminded that it is okay to be a bit scared. That’s part of doing something new.

Moving on from talk about friends, and moving on to talk about business… Yay! I’m a bit happy, because I finished my first knitted phone case. Woo. I’ve been knitting for a while, occupied with a scarf, lost all but three knitting needles but honestly, thank God, I’ve done it. I made my first one. Mark this date down in your diary 😛 I’ve got lots more to make though, but it’s just nice to reach a milestone.

Dee's Phone case
One down, many more to go… hopefully!

To talk about writing, I have an uncle who wrote an extremely interesting short article, and you might just get to have the pleasure of reading it.

Lastly;  I’m writing an essay. It’s about Law (my area of study) Adeola (me) and… Society (those around me, my community). It doesn’t have a title yet, but it has a rough plan. I want to explore what impact my degree can have for me and on society. How I intend to use it, and generally it’s just for me to think about my INTENTION (like i was talking about in that post before 🙂 ). What I’m aiming to get out of my degree. If it’s any good I might share it with you.

That’s pretty much it, That and packing, and having fun in the kitchen. It doesn’t seem like too much now 🙂 Man I love blogging!

Alright take care.

Deola

Life is what you make it…. sort of

I’m not a particular fan of Hannah Montana, but I have been known on the occasion, to sit down with my younger ones and watch a couple episodes. I may have even enjoyed those few episodes. 🙂 I do tend to listen a bit more to what the characters say, then what they do. Drama, is interesting and there are different mediums that are used to get messages across.

The first part of this title’s post, is from one of ‘Hannah’s’ songs. Life is what you make it.

To some extent I agree, how you approach things is important. The way you tackle something can make it easier or harder.

Take shopping with your parents for example. Too much mouthing off on your part can make the experience a very arduous one (speaking from experience 😛 ), but joking a bit and doing what needs to get done, maybe helping to get different products from further aisles can make the experience a far more fun and positive excursion.

For me personally, I still believe in what I refer to as Qadr, divine decree. Of curse it is important how you approach things, it’s very important. In fact that’s called intention. Our intention behind things matter. What’s our purpose?

That’s one of the questions I want to ask myself this academic year. What is my purpose? Why am I doing this degree?

To remind myself, I’ll probably look back at this post. So I might as well write down the main answer to my question.

First and foremost may intention is to please my Creator. I want to utilise the degree in a way that it can be counted as an act of ibadah. So in order for me to do that I have to make sure I do the best I can in this degree. I want to use it in a way that helps people. At this juncture I’m not sure if that means being a lawyer, or any other job that a law degree enables. However the degree will give me OPTIONS. I love options. They lead to opportunities 😉

I’ve been given a second chance at my first year, and I cannot afford to waste it.

Economically speaking, I have less supply (of resources) than I have demand (for use of said resources). So, I’m going to have to give some stuff up. It’s funny I’m still able to apply the basic rules of opportunity cost, and I can tell you why.

It’s because I enjoyed it. I really did enjoy it, because learning about it was fun. I approached economics with that mindset, it’s just something i need to make sure I remind myself. I do enjoy learning. 🙂

Okay, I’m going now, I have some stuff to do, and yes one of those things does include reading about Gibson v Manchester City Council (I actually remember the case name yay! 🙂 )

Take care party people

xxx

Deola

Packing

photo dictionary
Almost finished packing!

If you know me well, you’ll know that I quite dislike packing.

Anyone who helped me move out of uni can attest to that. It’s alwayas been somewhat of a chore for me. Today I took some free time and packed. I surprisingly enjoyed it. Do you wnat to know why?

I’ll let you in on the secret. 😛

I think I normally look at packing as a chore because, well…. I’m just a bit lazy occasionally. My mindset sometimes is…. oh this is so hard- so it becomes hard. You know what i mean?

This time I was like, its Ramadan, I have a bit of time, time is a trust from my creator, so lets do something valuable with it. 😀

I made about four piles. ‘Yes!’, ‘Maybe yes’, ‘No’, and ‘No Way!’

I changed the way I pack too. I like to roll my scarves up normally, so I used the same approach with my undies. 😛

Instead of packing up all compactly, I used a technique one of my aunts told my mum about. Things I’d normally fold in to fours, I folded into twos, and spread them out. It was a lot more fun packing this way, and the end result is, one fully packed suitcase, and (me still being me, the kid who used to carry bags of junk around) one big bag of maybes to look through with my mum.

Alhamdulilah.

I never knew packing could be so easy 😀

One lesson learnt, reflected on, analysed.

Now on to the next.

take care kids 😛